Today we’re sharing insight from guest blogger Tara Lunardi, Lt Col, USAF. We hope you enjoy Tara’s wisdom and perspective.
There I was…deploying to Iraq to lead a joint service team of counterintelligence operators, tactical security members, analysts, and linguists. When my boots left the puddle jumper and hit the dirt runway I was greeted by my team…all guys. For the 12 Army infantry soldiers on my team, I was the first female with whom they’d ever served, let alone followed in combat.
Rumors and inappropriate comments floated around that first week: “wonder who/how many men she slept with to get this job?” and “of course she’s a lesbian.” While I couldn’t care less if they thought I was a lesbian, the other comment angered me. Making things even more interesting, my office and bed were in the same room. Whenever I had to counsel or talk privately to anyone I was extremely aware of the perceptions involved.
The only way to alter the perceived reputation was through consistent performance, fairness, and strength. Not something many men have to overcome when taking command in a war zone. In fact, my male counterparts begin with an assumed performance level without having to overcome negative preconceived notions. My past performance and character were never considered by my new troops. They didn’t know me, yet for whatever reason – perhaps to alleviate their own anxieties – many had created narratives to explain how I got there.
Fortunately, this was my opportunity “at bat” and it was one of the most rewarding experiences I’ve had as a leader, professional, woman, and human being. My hope is that together we can someday ensure female leaders, commanders, CEOs, and the like, are afforded the same narrative as their male peers.
To do this, we must first acknowledge an unpleasant reality and engage in a sticky discussion about the important effects of our actions. As women, we need to own our words, actions, and future by choosing not to criticize, ignore, isolate, or vilify one another. I won’t go as far as Madeleine Albright by saying “there’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women,” but I will assert that true equality will not be achieved without helping each other win in this game. A game – created by men, for men. The critical distinction is how we get there.
Ladies, we’ve all been there! Rubbing elbows with VIPs to widen our peer networks. Pockets of men eating up space and a few token females trying to hold their own amidst a sea of testosterone. We silently size one another up and immediately choose to love or hate one another – not much gray area. Why do we do this? Men don’t! They spend time comparing resumes and one-upping each other, but leave it all out on the field without any grudges. Most women agree that opportunities for us are extremely limited; as a result we either work harder to prove ourselves worthy or denigrate one another to increase our chances of getting a piece of what little is available. It’s no wonder we see one another as competitors. My husband drove this point home in a simple comment recently: “Look, if I meet a stupid or incompetent guy I’m not threatened at all. He’s just another idiot and doesn’t affect me or my ability to succeed; in fact, he makes it easier. BUT, an incompetent gal will validate the opinions out there that women can’t do the job or handle the responsibilities of a promotion or even deserve the same pay as men. I’m sorry, dear, I know it’s unfair.” Ouch.
Over the years I’ve come to believe there are three approaches most women use to get what we want:
- She who tricks the system to get what she wants
- She who forces the system to do what she wants
- She who gives the system no other choice…working hard enough and at such a level the system has no choice but to give her what she wants
By way of example, consider three women in a baseball game; the coach, likely a man, is deciding the next batter.
- Approach 1: Flirts and flashes some cleavage to get up to bat…flattered coach puts her in with likely more intimate notions in mind
- Approach 2: Threatens EEO complaint if not put in…coach sends her to bat out of fear and to avoid dealing with the “witch”
- Approach 3: Hit a double in the last game…coach wants to win and puts her in the lineup because of her past performance
All three approaches get us to the plate, but with differences in how we are viewed. Our goal should be to instinctively leverage Approach 3 above the others. Why? She who uses Approach 3 advances us all forward. Unfortunately, all it takes is a few leveraging the first two methods to make it much harder.
But how do we generate buy-in when there are successes with the other two approaches? Therein lies the rub! Women using these are at bat at least as much as those using Approach 3. We must recognize that how we get there matters most. Approach 3 generates genuine respect and levels the playing field for the right reasons, in the right way. Even more critical, we must help each other to see this too. Rather than isolating, ostracizing, hating, or walking over each other, we should be walking together. We own this one, ladies.
Throughout my journey, instinctively choosing Approach 3, I’ve failed to do that critical piece– deliberately help others succeed and share the advice about performance. Truth: I’ve often been personally and professionally offended by the actions of women using Approaches 1 and 2. I’m guilty of ignoring, isolating, and even vilifying them. What a difference it could have made to help them understand the importance of performance.
Admittedly, I’m most comfortable with strong, independent, high-performing individuals. It’s been my excuse for choosing the easy, cowardly road for many years. After all, it takes much more energy and discomfort to confront a fellow female and engage in a “sticky” discussion about how her approach is pushing us all further from the plate. Well, I’ve been part of the problem too long…until today.
What’s The Risk?
Status quo. With 19+ years in our nation’s military, I’ve made my choice to change. It’s never too late to be part of the solution. Without making a difference today, we risk being part of the problem.
We may not have the authority or power now to change much more regarding the rules of the game, be it equal pay, fitness standards, combat fields, diversity ratios, promotion quotas, or maternity leave, but we can and should do what we can to help one another.
If we deliberately carve out time to invest in one another and have those difficult conversations emphasizing why our performance matters to our future, perhaps the next female commanders whose boots hit the ground in war zones will be able to focus 100% on fighting those wars alongside their teams instead of fighting to recover high-performing reputations they never should’ve lost.
Look in the mirror and ask yourself, “Am I part of the problem?”
The views expressed in this blog are those of the author and do not reflect the official policy or position of the Department of Defense or the U.S. Government.
Lieutenant Colonel Tara Lunardi is a US Air Force officer with previous military command, operational and staff assignments in Oklahoma, Japan, Italy, California, Iraq, Florida, and Wash DC. Lt Col Lunardi graduated with honors from Indiana University through the Reserve Officer Training Corps program and joined the Air Force Office of Special Investigations where she has been a federal agent since 1997. In 2004, Lt Col Lunardi received her Master’s Degree in National Security Affairs from the Naval Postgraduate School, Monterey, CA.
