What Would You Say to Your Younger Self?

What would you say if you could go back in time, to the early part of your career, and talk with your “younger self”? What advice would you give? How transparent would you be with the ups and downs you experienced, and would you do anything differently? This is the discussion I’ve been having with hundreds of people via a leadership talk that I give called, “Dear Younger Self.”

In 2014, after 18 years at the same company, I decided I needed a change. After a brief time off, I was recruited and hired as the Director of HR at Royal United Mortgage. As with any new role, I expected to go through some “growing pains,” but the reality is that my first 18 months didn’t go as planned. In fact, the transition was so rough that I questioned whether I should be there at least 100 times. Fortunately, I stuck it out, and in doing so, today can reflect and put together a narrative—or more like a playbook—that I wish I could share with my younger self regarding how to navigate tough situations.  

I faced many challenges, which included: 

• Coming into an Executive Leadership Team entirely comprised of men who had worked together for 20 years. 

• Discovering the staffing model was to only promote from within the organization; up to that point, I was the only person in a leadership role who had ever been hired from the outside. 

• Learning that over the previous five years, four other people had been hired to run HR—and no one had lasted.  

In my story, I recount five specific points within those first 18 months where I learned tough lessons around: 

1. The importance of identifying and leveraging my strengths. 
2. Embracing feedback and what it means to be a leader who wants to have tough conversations. 
3. Taking the emotion out of making difficult decisions. 
4. Vulnerability and the critical role it plays in building successful teams. 
5. Paying attention to the story I tell myself—and choosing a different narrative.  

In each of these examples, when I think back to the challenges and why I kept thinking about quitting, I realize that it didn’t have anything to do with being the only woman on the team, or that most everyone in the company equated “HR” as “the enemy.” What it had to do with, was ME. I wasn’t playing to my strengths as a professional or as a leader. I wasn’t doing a good job of educating our team on the value HR could bring to an organization. I wasn’t creating alignment with our leaders. I was worrying about how to “fit in” versus just being my authentic self. And since I was VERY uncomfortable with vulnerability, I thought that my struggles were due to people pushing me out, when in reality it was me not letting anyone in.  

So, to answer my question: What would I tell my younger self? 

• I’d remind myself that everyone has a story to tell.  

• Instead of trying to run away from my mistakes, I should invest time to reflect on them, own them, and seek ways I can grow. 

• Embrace talking about things that are difficult. Because if we don’t, we could miss an opportunity to build connections and help others from feeling isolated as they navigate through similar circumstances. 

• And lastly, I’d tell myself not to worry. That even though right now I may wake up feeling unsure of who I am and my purpose, one day, years down the road, I’m going to get the guts to stand up, in rooms full of complete strangers and share my story. And not only will they listen, but after I’m done, they will be inspired to share their stories as well. 

Be sure to check out my podcast with Courtney Montfort airing next Thursday, July 25, where I discuss how an unexpected knock on my office door (at an inconvenient time), was the start of my journey toward understanding the importance of vulnerability in building teams and being a leader.