Have you ever written an email, text or letter, or made a Facebook post that you wish you could get back? The funny thing is you knew better before you sent it, didn’t you? I repeated this mistake recently.
It’s been twenty years since I graduated from high school. I went to a small public school with about 100 students in my grade. My class is getting together this July in Fort Wayne, Indiana, and I’ve been helping the reunion planning committee. Turns out the party is getting bigger every day. So much so, that we’ve outgrown the restaurant originally selected by our committee and are moving it to a larger place.
We were required to pay $200 to the original location to reserve a meeting room. A few weeks ago, we canceled our reservation, giving them 4 ½ months of advance warning. Unfortunately the general manager of said establishment is refusing to return the deposit money unless he is able to rent the room above his bar & grille to someone else.
This didn’t sit right with me. I told the committee member who had personally fronted the money not to worry. I would straighten this out.So I began an email exchange with the general manager that included the following statements from me to him:
- “I hope this is just a misunderstanding”
- “This isn’t acceptable and isn’t remotely fair”
- “I find it very hard to believe that you have been wronged in any way”
- “I can’t imagine anyone (you included) would actually describe your offer as ‘more than fair’ as you do”
- “I think people would think you’re looking to make an easy buck”
This was followed by a phone exchange where I told him that the $200 was the difference in our class hiring a celebrity DJ or just an average one.
Needless to say, the call ended right where this all started. I wanted a reimbursement now. But he would only promise to return the money if he was able to rent the room to another group.
I sure was planning on demonstrating to the committee that Tim Leman – “polished leader” – would deliver the goods! Instead I made things worse. So what happened?
Treasured Mentor
As I hung up the phone with the general manager, I immediately recalled a lesson from one of my earliest and most treasured mentors, Dr. Larry D. Coleman. Dr. Coleman was head of the Insurance & Risk Management program at Indiana State University’s (ISU) College of Business while I was there.
He was always classy. He was a gentleman. And he spoke in this patient cadence that belied his Oklahoma roots.
He counseled and advised me on a number of things – mostly positive, but not always. As an example, shortly after being voted into a leadership role with a business fraternity at ISU, I remember him telling me that I had to be a better example now that I was a leader: “People are watching you. If you act a certain way, they will, too.”
Another time, I wrote a harsh letter to the corporate head of HR at a large insurance company that refused to make a recruiting visit to our campus in Terre Haute, Indiana. I placed a copy of the letter on his desk and then mailed the original, feeling pretty proud of my work.
The next day he pulled me aside and told me something that I’ve never forgotten. “Tim, I read your letter. You know, I’ve found that when you have tough news to deliver, it’s often best done face-to-face or at least over the phone. When it’s in writing, it lasts forever. Like anything else, enough time passes, and the verbal stuff is forgotten or remembered differently. But a letter? It’s still there.”
He continued, “On the other hand, I write down the good stuff. That way, if someone is ever feeling down, they can pull your note or letter back out and read it again. It’s funny but they tend to keep a pretty favorable impression of you over the years.”
What’s The Risk?
As Captain Ramius says to Jack Ryan in The Hunt for Red October, “Hey, Ryan, be careful what you shoot at. Most things in here don’t react too well to bullets.”I wish I could say that I have followed his advice in this area at every opportunity over the years. I haven’t. But I have followed it enough times to know it’s made a huge difference in my career and in my personal relationships.
Would a warm personal call have helped get our $200 deposit back right away? Who knows? But I know for a fact that the email exchange I had was not helpful. And true to the general manager’s word, we just got a note saying the room has been rented and we would soon be receiving a check. I felt bad for bullying him – it wasn’t necessary or successful.
Can you think of a single time you’ve regretted handling a tough topic face-to-face? Of course not! Ever wish you had put the not-so-pleasant things you said in writing? I doubt it. Likewise, how many compliments have you paid that are now long forgotten? All of this stuff is only amplified with the speed at which we can communicate in writing with texting, Twitter, Facebook and Email.
So, a few years after Dr. Coleman retired, I received a manila envelope in the mail. As I opened it, I recognized right away what he had sent me. I recalled seeing it hanging in his office. It was a license plate with a picture of a big old hound dog with the words: “If You Can’t Run with the Big Dogs, Stay on the Porch”. On the back he had taped a handwritten note to me. I have saved that license plate and it’s moved with me from Indianapolis to Phoenix and back to Indiana again.
As I reflected on my interaction with the restaurant general manager, inevitably I thought of Dr. Coleman. I glanced up at the license plate and pulled it off the wall. I read the note (something I had not done in a few years). It said: “Tim: I had this in my office for many years. You deserve to have this now. Larry D. Coleman”.
Thanks Doc. You were on to something. And it’s just as applicable now as it was back then.
